I Can’t Clean up my Own Mess

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picnic tablepicnic table

As suggested by my Aunt blogging about this project will be much more constructive than this failed project.

Back in January when we picked vacation weeks I saw that the week of Mike’s and my anniversary was open for the taking.  Thinking maybe we could actually take a trip or something I put this week down.  As life and circumstances happen we are going to end up being lucky if we even get to go out for a meal just the two of us.  Wanting to make good use of time, I assigned myself some projects to complete this week.   One being to repaint yet again the old picnic table Mike’s dad gave us many years ago.  After scraping for what seemed like an eternity I moved to a power sander, scraping more, power sanding more.  The paint peel seemed to just keep growing worse.   I then tried power washing which wasn’t much help then we ran out of gas for the power washer.  Today I tried actually stripping the paint.  That has made yet a greater mess.  As the mess kept growing I began evaluating what is truly a valuable use of my time.  The hours of fruitless effort were already mocking me in the fact that I can not have that time back.   There is a strong willed competitive nature that I have as well as a very sentimental nature that was driving me to want to complete this project no matter the cost.

As of now I have had to walk away with my tail between my legs waving the white flag.  My mind is already planning other uses for the paint that I bought.

One thing this FAIL project is reminding of is how we can’t clean up our own mess.   Our life is a mess of sin.  We inherited the sinful nature the day we took our first breath.  All of us.  We are all a complete mess.  Oh there are all kinds of man made “cover ups”  “fix yourself” “religions” all types of methods, but nothing lasts or truly cuts to the heart of the problem.  The only one that can truly wipe away our every flaw is Jesus.  No amount of money, self help programs, or “good” deeds will clean us spotless.  Only the blood of Jesus.  God’s only Son who took the penalty for all of our mess upon that cross can forgive us and wash us clean.

What I need is a planer (pronounced like plainer) board to cut away all the old paint, stained, and spotted wood.  After we accept Jesus we are forgiven and as we follow him He is our planer board cutting away all the old messy spotted stuff.  He makes us clean and new.  Whew he still has a long way to go on me.  The good thing is that God doesn’t walk away from His creation like I have walked away from my project.  It doesn’t matter how messy we are He will wipe us clean and make us new!!  Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God.”

1 John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

Our Life Really isn’t Ours for the Taking, but for the Giving (foster/adopt a child 1)

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I have been debating on whether to write on this topic or not.  Due to privacy I am not really sure how much of this journey I will be able to openly share.  Realizing that my own struggles could very well be the struggles of someone else out there is the draw I have to write and share what God is doing in the life of our family and within my own heart.  The call to foster and/or adopt has been weighing on Mike and I for around six years now.  During this time I have picked up at least a dozen packets from various agencies I kept a lot of them for a while then finally pitched them.   I have questioned several people that have gone down the road of fostering/adopting and some who have adopted from other countries.  The cost of time and finances has been my largest road block.  The rest of the family has actually been open without hesitation the whole time.  It has been my own selfish struggle.

We now have the resource of an extra bedroom our kids have become older, more mature, and much easier as far as actual care.  In fact we are getting close to being “done” as far as parenting goes.  Though one is never really “done” when a parent.   A few years ago we actually were going to apply for a license to foster, but we couldn’t figure out how to even get the classes worked in with our busy schedule so I easily gave up.

Well the topic reared its head again.  The last few weeks everywhere I turned the topic of fostering children was coming up.  I literally was feeling like God was beating me over the head with it.  So much so a week ago Sunday I actually was arguing with God.  Yes, I love Jesus, I have surrendered my life to following Jesus, but unfortunately I am still just a sinner saved by grace.  I yelled at him “I keep asking you what I need to give up in my life and you are telling me to add another human being or beings?!?!?!”  “Lord I am so tired I don’t know how I can!!!”  Then we go to church that evening and our youth pastor’s sermon was on James 1:26-27 “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”  The entire sermon brought tremendous conviction and was an answer to my ridiculous prayer/temper tantrum from earlier that day.   God’s answer was this…”You take this step of faith, trust me, I will provide what you need, it will cost you, but that’s ok because I am here and have a plan”.   Every reason I have not to foster children in need is purely selfish.

Needless to say we have started the process to be licensed.  Nothing will happen over night.  There will be ups and downs.  It will be a journey, but it’s not about us.  It is not about me.  My life is not my own.  I had to laugh that one truly does have to pay to be nice in this world.  Today I took a state form to my physicians office to have filled out stating that I am physically capable of caring for children.  There was a charge to have the form filled out.  I will be honest in saying that this caused a minor irritation in me, but a reminder that it does cost to do what is right.   In this life we can give all that we have or we can be takers.  One day when I meet God face to face will he see a life that gave everything?

What Tools Define Your Life?

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FullBlue

The topic of stethoscopes and “who” uses them has been extremely popular this past week.  It has been heartwarming to say the least to see my fellow nurses rise up and share story after story of how nursing is much more than a job and even more than a profession.  It has been very well stated over and over that a stethoscope is a very vital tool for a nurse as well as all health care workers when caring for patients.

This week my thoughts have been centered on what my own nursing career, patients and families I have served, and even what my own stethoscope has meant to me.  The stethoscope actually aids a medical professional to hear a persons heart beat.  The heart rate and rhythm determines so much about the health status of a human being.  The stethoscope also allows us to auscultate the lung sounds.  Are the lungs filled with fluid?  Are airways constricted?  The assessment of the breath sounds can help to determine if  a person is actually exchanging life sustaining oxygen sufficiently or insufficiently.  We can listen to the bowel sounds to help determine if a patient may need emergent surgery.  As we start to hear bowel sounds return after a major colon surgery we can determine that a patient may be able to slowly return to eating and drinking.  There is so much that can be determined by simply listening through this sound amplifying instrument.  It helps clue us in on areas of trouble.  A stethoscope requires truly listening for it to truly be a valuable tool.

Another valuable tool that defines my life as a follower of Jesus is the bible.  It is a tool that requires truly listening to be of any value.  God’s word auscultates where my heart truly is and what areas of my life are in trouble.  My spiritual breath is determined by how I am allowing or not allowing God’s word, grace and goodness to fill every last corner of my life.  When I am allowing him to fill me I breath out love and grace to everyone my life touches.  When I am not inhaling spiritually then I have nothing to give others around me.    The more I digest of his word the deeper my understanding, nourishment, and better my spiritual health.  With bible and a stethoscope in hand a nurse is way more than a nurse.  A nurse can be a great servant of God, a warrior of God’s making a difference one life at a time.

Matthew 20:26-28 “Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many!”

What can be Learned from Teaching Your Teen to Drive?

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driving

We have embarked upon a new chapter in parenthood.  Teaching our oldest to drive has brought me to a whole new level in letting go and trusting God.  This picture is actually a little over exaggeration of my level of anxiety.  She is actually doing a fine job and taking driving seriously.  In fact this is the first time in fifteen years my child has fully hung on my every word.  The child has never listened to my advice and instruction more intently.  There has been a deepening of the mother/daughter relationship as trust, listening, and obedience has been “taking the wheel”.  Coming home from school the other day she exclaimed “Hey mom we watched a video in drivers ed. and they said the exact same thing you told me in the video!!!!”  As I learn to trust her she is learning to trust the wisdom of her momma as well!

As I hear instruction spew from my own mouth on how to be prepared at all times for obstacles, drive defensively, plan ahead, focus on the road ahead of you, be aware of your surroundings, etc…  I am being reminded of my own journey through life with Jesus.  As I teach driving safety I wonder if I am teaching and leading my children to the one who can lead them through this life?

There have been times of learning the hard way by suffering a consequence of my own choices that I thought “Well that is what God’s word and my parents told me would happen”.  The more I listen to God and His word the deeper my trust in His wisdom.  The more I trust Him the more He entrusts me with His purpose, plan, joy, peace, and blessing.

As a follower of Jesus my focus should stay on the path He has placed before me.  There are always obstacles pulling out in front to stop, slam, or throw a follower of Christ off course.  It is not an easy road, but if one is armed with the Word of God and prayer then we always have the best defensive driver on our side.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Hebrews 12:1-2

“Show me thy ways oh Lord, teach my thy paths.”  Psalm 25:4

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.”  Psalm 119:105

What is There To Look Forward To?

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sun rise

What a crazy last couple of weeks.  Lots of illnesses, tragedies, accidents, evil acts, etc… so many life hurts moments for so many.  During a conversation with a loved one the statement “this world is going to hell” was made.  As well as “it just seems like there is not anything to look forward to”.  These two sentences have resonated with me all week.

There is a lot of truth in these words.  It is true that the world is going to hell and the only way to avoid eternal death and punishment is through Jesus.  “God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:16  No matter how “good” we think we are we have all fallen short of God’s standard, perfect and sinless.  God knew that as soon as his creation became broken by sin.  He planned and offers the remedy to cover all our imperfections, Jesus.

Lack of sleep and continual bad news had me in quite a funk this week.  It is hard not to sin when physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  My attitude and words have not been what they should.  Why? Because I am human and I fall short.  As a Christian the only difference in me than the rest of the world is that I know I fall short and need saving.  I need God’s forgiveness of my sin through his Son.  By giving my life to Christ he dwells within me (the Holy Spirit) and there is conviction when I am focusing on myself and not on God and others.  By God’s grace I have eternal life to look forward to.  There may come a point where there is such devastation that there literally is nothing on this earth and in life to look forward to other than how magnificent heaven will be.  Other parts of the world and some in our own country can’t even look forward to getting another meal.  When we have given our life to Jesus we do indeed ALWAYS and FOREVER have something to look forward to.

Life is not Meant to be Lived out Alone

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Not a lot of time to type out thoughts lately, but this has been heavily on my mind.   Whatever our circumstances married or single, a parent or not a parent, and whatever our age we were not designed to make it through this life on our own.  We need others to survive for even our basic necessities like our food and water.  No one person can truly provide everything needed physically,definitely not emotionally, and most of all spiritually for their own selves.

One thing I have observed in life is that people that completely focus on their own selves and issues are clearly the most miserable.  Then there is the other end of the spectrum of people that are so concerned about bothering others that they don’t want to ask for or accept any help when they truly need it.  We fail to realize how much we are needed by others and that on occasion we really need other people.

God gave us one life to live.  He has surrounded us by other human beings whether or not we shut them out or embrace them is up to us.  There are moments in time that completely change our perspective and priorities.  A clean house, fancy cars, the latest technology, etc…what does it really get us? Stuff leaves us empty, but people make our life full.  God created us to desire a relationship with him as well as others.  He also created us to be the most happy when we are giving our all to him and to loving other people.  Life is so hard and we were never meant to face it and live it on our own.  I love the people God has blessed my life with to share in the happy times, sad times, and scary times.  Most of all I am thankful that God is bigger than everything that we face in this life and he has given us the gift of eternal life through Jesus.

Philippians 2:4 “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Well Done…Soccer Mom Lessons

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It is amazing to me how God continues to teach me in everything and through everything in my life.  The sport of soccer continues to not only develop my children, but God is using it to teach me.  So much of what I have learned I have already expressed in “Life’s Great Coach” and “Being a Goalie is about Sacrificing for the Save”.

Through up’s and down’s, disappointment and triumph Michaela has ended up on a team that is two years older.  As the youngest player on the team this has been very intimidating to an already shy person.  Not to mention the fact that the goalie should be very vocal, a leader, and tone setter for the team. That is quite a bit of pressure on those young shoulders.  Today was her first game with her new team.  I could feel her nervousness from the sidelines.  As the game got underway she loosened up and had made some saves and a couple goals snuck by her.  The other team ended up with the opportunity to take a penalty shot against my beloved goalie.  This is the most nerve racking situation for a goalie.  It is a guessing game and the odds are basically 50/50.  She went all in with her commitment and NAILED it!!  A beautiful diving save.  Through the game she went on to make some other gorgeous diving saves just reaching the ball with the tips of her fingers.  That penalty shot was a game changer.  Her team went on to dominate the rest of the game.  It was the momentum they needed.  They didn’t win, but they tied the game up and definitely had more shots on goal than the opposing team.

After the game her smile was so radiant that my husband and I saw it from across the field as she walked toward us.  She knew she was going to hear “well done, we are so proud of you, you gave it your all…”

This made me think of how awesome it will be to smile with confidence one day meeting my Savior and Lord Jesus face to face.  I have such a long way to go and so much to learn about truly giving my all to Jesus.  Michaela’s smile today just made me that much more determined to live my life passionately for Jesus.  To give all I can to serve God and point the world toward Jesus the true game changer.

Matthew 25:21 and 23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good, and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”

When Christians Treat Your Dad Bad

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So those who follow this blog know that my father who was a pastor passed away a year and a half ago.  He was ordained as a pastor when I was three years old and he started right into full time pastoring by the time I was four.  He was a full time pastor for 37 years and still pastoring before he passed.  He ministered to a total of 4 small churches during this time.  For some unknown reason  I had about 2-3 weeks that I have missed him more than I have since he passed recently.  During this time I attended a conference our church had and purchased books from our speaker.  One of his books was “The Coffee Shop that Changed a Church” by Steve Parr.  As I began reading this book the tears started flowing as the story developed and the characters of the narrative evolved.  One of my first thoughts was “my dad could have written this book”  there were so many similar experiences that he and our family had through the years.  Another thought was “I have a deeper understanding of a pastor’s life and heart than I even realized”.  The book left me with an even greater determination to pray for my pastors as well as all TRUE Bible preaching, Jesus following men of God throughout the world.

One sentence tucked away in the middle of this book caught my attention.  I should have had my pen in hand to mark it, but it was a narrative and I am always anxious to see what happens next.  There is no time for pens and no time for sleep when I am reading a good book!!!   In other words this may not be a direct quote because I can not find the tiny hidden sentence.   It referred to the fact that many children of pastors are turned off of the faith because they see Christians treat their dad bad.  This smacked me in the face and had me praying prayers of gratitude that God did not give up on me.   I went through a stage where I was sick of trying to be perfect and please everyone else.  It wasn’t really direct rebellion toward God or my parents.  It was more of the fact that people would actually try to get rid of my dad because of choices his children made or could make.  As a kid my dad and mom tried to keep the drama from me, but I still caught bits and pieces and would even hear comments made directly to my dad.  I would see the strain and stress in his eyes.  I would see him work 60 hours plus a week, come home from vacation to be with people in need, get called out in the middle of the night.  I saw him give and give and I would hear  people say things like “we pay your salary”, “we pay for your house”, “we pay your power bill”.   As I child I could see my father working very very hard for his sparse salary.   I always thought “Isn’t what we give actually God’s to begin with?”  I saw my father and mother give at least ten percent plus right back.

As I look back on my life I have many regrets, but those regrets led to much needed consequences to guide me back into God’s will.  My choices gave me a deeper understanding of sin and a deeper gratitude for the grace Jesus gave to me from that cross.  Being a preacher’s kid gave me the perspective that the church is full of sinners needing God’s grace as well as the whole world.  The temptations of pride and attacks from Satan are very real and a marvelous tool Satan uses to get people focused on how Christians act instead of focusing on Jesus.  I wonder how many millions have been turned off of the faith because of priests, pastors, and parishioners sin?   We compare ourselves to the hypocrisy of others to find excuse to not believe or behave how we “think” we want.  The greatest lesson in life I have learned through growing up as a preacher’s kid is that no one is perfect other than Jesus.  No one is “Holier than thou”.  It is about a personal relationship with Jesus.  The deeper my relationship the more I hunger to read God’s word more, pray more, to worship corporately in church, and hear the Word of God preached.  It is enjoyable to just be a regular church member as an adult, but I still see Satan attack.  There are times my own pride will tempt me and steal what God is trying to do in my own life.  There are times I feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak up firmly, but with love when I see pride tempting church members to focus on “self” instead of Christ.

It is all about Jesus.  I am a sinner saved by Grace who happened to be raised by a preacher.  My dad couldn’t save me, my church couldn’t save my soul, only the blood of Jesus saved my soul!!  If all Christians and churches focused on what we should, Jesus, think of how this world would change.

2 Corinthians 5:21″God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

There is a Place in Grief I Can’t Allow Myself to Stay for Long

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What I am learning about grief is that there really seems to be no rhyme or reason nor any timeline it follows.  For the last year and a half or so when a memory would sneak up on me I maybe would get misty eyes, smile, and then go on.   The last few weeks the lonely feeling of missing my father is wanting to just hang around.  The way my brain works I always want to understand the “why” in everything.   There is so much happening in our country and in our world that would have deeply affected my father.  Everyday I see something on the news that I feel a thankfulness that God has protected my kind hearted father from seeing.  The day he was rushed to the Emergency Room I asked to go right in to see him.  As I entered that ER room and saw his lifeless body I felt an overwhelming comfort that God took him on home to protect him.  His face was completely relaxed, even with resuscitative tubing and wires he looked like there was no trauma, no pain, and only complete peace.  He was now home with Jesus.

A couple weeks ago I woke up feeling much like I am even again today.  I just can’t stop crying.  The desire to take a long walk and talk to my dad about so many things has been stronger than it’s been since he passed.   This particular day I actually made mention of how I was feeling on social media.  Sometimes I think we try to portray a false sense of what our lives are to the rest of the world and we don’t spend enough time being real.  Not a feel sorry for me type of real or negative.  Just a “hey I am human and life hurts sometimes” type of real.  As I sat watching our youngest daughter and her friends swim that day this butterfly kept coming around and landing on me.  It was gray underneath, but when it opened it’s wings I saw flashes of bright orange.  It kept landing on my hand and finally settled on my thumb for what had to at least have been five minutes.  I was actually able to capture several pictures using my other hand.  My thoughts were that this butterfly was a gift from God to bring comfort.  My father was always big on walking and holding his little girls hands.  He loved to hold my mother’s hand and each of his daughters hands.  This butterfly demonstrated the same gentleness.  I later posted a picture on social media and had friends who also had the immediate thought that this was my needed comfort sent straight from heaven that day.

Another reason I am feeling sad I am sure is that another chapter of my parent’s life together is closing.  Since I was the age of five my parents have gone camping in a town where they use to live in the very early years of their marriage.  After thirty seven seasons and six different campers my mom has come to the conclusion that it is time to sell the current trailer.  It is time and she has my full support, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me sad.  My father loved to camp, fish, loved this campground, this town, and so many people in it.  There are shadows and shadows of memories there and echoes of hours of laughter.  My family and I just spent a couple days there as one last time to camp.  While swimming in the campground pool something caught my eye.  With a closer look there on the very edge of the pool was a butterfly just like this one.  Cora noticed it too and said “hey that is the same kind of butterfly that was landing on you!”  I smiled and said “yes, that is a Papa butterfly.”  With that the butterfly took off briefly landed on a towel and was gone.

God knows our every need.  If we are paying attention to Him we will see and feel our comforts sent straight from heaven.  Everything is in God’s hands and no matter what happens in this life my hope is in the Lord!!!   Psalms 30:5b  “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

One evening while there I went down to the dock on the lake feeling this looming sense of loss and sadness.  As I looked at the empty fishing boat my father spent hours in and the lake he had spent countless hours fishing in everything grew very still.  The lake was reflective as I too reflected on so many memories.  The silence and stillness God gave in that moment was yet again a precious gift and it was as if God said “it is ok the lake misses him too, you can miss him.”  Precious gifts sent from heaven…  One day I will get to walk with my father along the crystal seas of heaven.  Thank you God for the greatest gift sent from heaven Jesus, your Son, sent to die for a sinner like me.  He overcame sin and death by rising again!!  Because of Jesus there is hope even in sadness, loss, and death.  Joy comes in the morning!!

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