As we continue along this journey our family continues to learn more about ourselves and how to love the broken daily. There are days that feel like Satan has literally whipped the tar out of us. Mostly speaking for myself having felt beaten spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. Lately the battle has been intense. The struggles are a strong indicator that we are exactly where God wants us to be. Satan leaves us alone when what we are doing has no significant impact on the eternity of someone else. When we are making an impact he throws his best shots at us.
One thing I am learning of myself is that I go from happy to extremely angry in 0.0002 seconds when the safety of others is compromised. Threats of physical harm, hatred, and disrespect of life really ticks me off. It is sin that I despise. The sins of hatred that exist in this world and I despise what it stirs within my own self. How do we remain empathetic and therapeutic with a young little human being who has known nothing but chaos, hatred and abuse? God continues to reveal more and more the effects of trauma, lack of parenting, and lack of nurturing on a human life to us. Reading all sorts of books still has no comparison to living it. There is no cut and dry, no black and white, no easy answers.
There is so much I can’t share. There are multiple conversations about life daily our child and I have. This morning’s conversation I think it is safe to share. One thing I have learned is that a traumatized child will turn to material objects as their comfort. They can control them and break them. They can keep them and those objects don’t pose a threat to them. Human beings have failed them. TV, video and computer games has been the nurture for this child.
I was talking to one of our dogs this morning in my high pitched, make the doggie hyper and happy voice. Telling the dog how beautiful she is and how much I love her. Our child piped at me “She is ugly!! She isn’t happy!!” My reply was “Well you can have your own opinion, but I think she is beautiful!” The returning comment was “You think she is ugly!!” Once again I reply “I think she is beautiful!” “She is a living creature and all living things are beautiful because God created them. Everything God has made is beautiful!” Our little one asked “So do you think the TV is beautiful?” My response was “No the TV is man made and really to me it is junk!” He then asks “What about phones?” My response again “They are junk and really not important either they are a tool to connect with other human beings.” “What matters most are living beings created by God not things that were made by man.” He then asked “what about flowers?” I state “Yes they are living and we have to savor them and enjoy their beauty fast because they don’t live real long.” Next was “Do you think the laundry basket is beautiful as he pointed to it?” My reply “Was no not really it is just a tool to help the human beings I have in my life to care for.”
Children that have not been valued and loved unconditionally struggle with being able to value other people. Children who have not been nurtured in love struggle with loving others. Their hope has been placed completely in failing and fleeting material things. This is a rocky journey and I fall some days. This mom gets tired. Some days I feel like our family is just in survival mode. Then God will give us sparks of hope. God will renew the spirit within me the more I lean on Him and trust Him. Some days I feel like I am just hanging onto Him by a fingernail with a dark hole beneath me. Then I realize that underneath the unknown, the unseen, God’s other hand is right there to catch me and protect us. God is good and we will continue to learn and press on.