There are days as a wife, mother, foster mother, and nurse I really just want to quit. Everywhere I am there are demands. Everywhere I am everyone else’s needs must come first. I heard myself saying the other day that I am just content if I get some decent sleep and actually get to eat a meal.
God keeps impressing on my heart to just be real. To share my failures, my hurts, my pain, and His victories within me with the rest of the world. Or at least whoever it is he leads to read. I keep finding myself at deeper all time lows. Sunday night I was at the point that all I felt I had left to give on this earth was my very breath. I seriously was at the point not of self harm, but at the point of Lord I really just want to come home with you. Can you take me now?
Our family continues to get attacked by Satan himself. We have never had this much bombardment since moving forward with our foster care license last year. It has only doubled since we said yes to our first placement after being licensed. Each and every family member has been hit by these attacks. The devil himself does not want our family to succeed. The devil wants nothing more than to destroy this young one whose life was literally snatched out of his grasp. The devil wants nothing more than for our family to split and be destroyed. He wants our lives to only make an impact on others of destruction not hope.
This morning on the radio one of my favorite Christian artists and his wife were actually live in the studio. Chris Tomlin sang one of his newer songs “Jesus” live on air. The tears just started streaming as I focused on my Savior Jesus and what He did for me, for my family, and for the whole world. No matter how much I give up and give in. No matter how much I forgive. No matter how much life seems unfair. Nothing can compare or even come close to what Jesus gave. I can not out give Him. So I need to stop and just keep looking to Him. When I feel like EVERYTHING is on me and my shoulders. When I feel so taken advantage of. I need to stop and look to Jesus because no one carried a greater weight. No one has ever been and continues to be so taken advantage of. Jesus, my Jesus, my Lord, my weight carrier. Jesus you love me like no other. Jesus you put up with so much from me. Jesus I take you so for granted and slip into the “only looking to you when I really need you” pattern. The truth is I need you every moment and with every breath I breathe!!! Jesus is my sustainer! Jesus is my victory!! There is no one like you Jesus!!
My heart is so sad. This week I watched our community come together for a Police Officer shot down while fulfilling his calling by God to serve and protect. This officer’s life leaves a legacy of what honesty, integrity and service look like. I didn’t know him personally, but know many who did know him. He has made an impact on me. The outpouring of love for him and his family has been a beautiful testimony of a life lived well. Officer Snyder was an example of a follower of Jesus Christ and a life surrendered to serving Jesus and others.
My heart is deeply troubled for our country and it’s freedoms that so many men and women of service have given their lives for. Our flag, our anthem, and our brave Heros are disrespected dreadfully. The media has made the presidential election a three ring circus. We have career politicians that can’t even tell the truth about what they ate for lunch. Anyone that stands against the “agenda” will have their character and life smeared all over the media whether there is any truth to it or not. Why can’t we have honesty and integrity running our country anymore? We still do have some honesty and integrity giving their blood, sweat, tears, taxes, and their very lives in America’s people still.
My heart is so burdened for our country to turn back to God. If we are loving God with all our hearts minds strength and souls and loving our neighbors as ourselves (Luke 10:27) we would not be in the shape we are in. There would not be racism, there would not be constant fear between people of darker pigmented skin and those in uniform. There would not be the need to lie, cheat, steal, and kill for self promotion and greed. There would not be so many homeless children in our very own country and in our very own towns. There would not be people going hungry. There would not be such a need for finding other things to fill the hole that is in all of our hearts that only Jesus can truly fill. There would be no need for illegal drugs, overly prescribed drugs for “nerves”, or abuse of alcohol.
The answer is not in who is elected president…the answer is turning our hearts, our lives, and our eyes back to God. That is when we will find honesty and integrity again. If only we all lived our lives putting others first and started giving our all to Jesus. Jesus truly is the answer for every problem in our own lives, our communities, our schools, our country, and the entire world. My heart is troubled and sad, but Jesus said… “Do not let your hearts be troubled, you believe in God; believe also in me.” John 14:1