Once Going Organic There Aint No Going Back

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Two of the teenage girls my life has been blessed with came out to talk with me on our back patio yesterday morning.  I was actually getting to sit and study God’s word in peace.  Truly one of my most treasured happy places that I need to be in so very much more.  There was conversation about some tough things and tough parenting going on in our home right now.  The words and analogies that come out of my mouth sometimes most definitely do not come from my wee little brain.  We were talking about how conviction hurts and we get angry with whoever and whatever points out our brokenness.  We don’t want anyone telling us we are wrong no matter how kindly it is done.  Our human nature wants to stay in our sinful nasty ways.  We tend to make excuses and cast blame on everyone but our own self.  It hurts, but once we have surrendered to God’s ways and we truly desire to follow Jesus with our life then we start to experience true joyful, pure living!   I told them it is like drinking Organic Milk.  A few years back when I went through total detox for health purposes I started buying Organic Milk for the kids.  Now that we have tasted what is more healthy and pure the regular milk taste terrible.  Regular milk actually taste like chemicals with a hint of card board.   The words coming from me were that once we truly surrender to following Jesus the sin that we clung so tightly to starts to become like the regular old milk.  Once having the true taste of freedom, peace, and joy that Christ brings then the old sinful temptations start to look and taste like pure poison.  The closer we grow to Jesus the greater our desire for His ways and not our own.

We all have our different weaknesses, we all sin, and it all is disgusting.   No matter what our weakness is Jesus can heal us, purify us, and help us to live abundant life that He planned for us.   When God is convicting us it is painful to see how broken and dirty we truly are, but we can not experience true living without realizing how broken we truly are.

John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

A Whole New Kind of Grief

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One never knows what a new year will bring.  This year has brought a whole new level of heart broken.  This picture is with puffy sad eyes of a turn of events breaking this momma’s heart.  Praise God for a sweet sensitive family pet that knew exactly what I needed in the moment. Sunday morning during our pastors sermon I had a short little prayer “God is it time to move forward with adoption…should I ask Mike about it again?”   The answer to my prayer was practically immediate and not what I ever dreamt or thought.  To protect privacy I can not write about the behaviors of our child that ensued immediately after our church service while we were still at church.  It was more of the tough stuff we have been enduring the last nine months with great intensity.  The afternoon improved and Mike and I once again were given apologies.  Once again we forgave without hesitation and then it seemed that what had become our “new normal” family life resumed for the rest of the day.  That night our child made a very dangerous, pre meditated and planned choice.  It was a choice that greatly endangered our entire family.  The realization was overwhelming that God was protecting us in a mighty way that night.

With prayer and consultation through the proper channels of foster care workers it became very evident that the next layer of healing would not be in our home for this young one.  God had answered my prayer with a big NO regarding adoption.  Not what I expected.  The message that followed was “you did exactly what I needed you to do and now it is time for the next step in the plan I have”.

This Sunday morning I sang the special music at our church.  It was a song that I had heard weeks prior that grabbed my attention in a powerful way.  As I listened to the words I thought “oh my this is my prayer that I have been praying through our journey!”  “These are the images of Jesus put to words in a song that have been sustaining me moment to moment.”  The song is “Abide With Me” by Matt Maher.  As my life journey continues my relationship with Jesus is deepening, but nothing has required a further growth and complete reliance on Him as our foster parent journey.   One of the images has been the image of Jesus on the cross carrying the burden of all the sin of all mankind.  As we have carried the weight of the EFFECT that sin has had on just one young life the understanding of the magnitude of Jesus’ love has blown my mind.  The burden has been so heavy and I have not been able to even carry one person that has been so sinned against without Jesus’ love.  The next image has been Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He prayed alone, abandoned by His sleepy disciples.  He prayed with great anguish knowing the magnitude of the weight he was about to endure.  His anguish was over the burden of sin and separation from God the Father more so than the physical torture.  Now with this week’s events there is a deeper level of Jesus’ pain that is becoming more clear.  Not only was he giving the ultimate sacrifice for those who would choose His healing.  He was fully obedient to carry the weight of those who would completely deny and reject Him.  This was something I knew, but haven’t had the depth of understanding as I now have.  To pour every ounce of love, energy, and sacrificial giving into a person who may not ever choose healing has been very eye opening.

God goes to extreme measures to reach each and every human being.  He will place people in the paths of others so that everyone has the opportunity to know the truth.  The workers are so very few.  (Matthew 9:35-38) As a follower of Jesus I feel so gracious and honored to get to be used by Him.  To understand that there is so much work to heal this broken world and that God would use someone so inadequate as me to touch the life of another humbles my soul.  God continues to provide a peace that nothing has been in vain.  That His purposes are eternal and we may not know on this side of heaven what work He has done through us.  If we went back in time to the day we got our license to foster the answer would still be “yes” to our first call.

We do need some time for “self care”, healing, and to pour love into our daughters.  We are not going to quit and still feel the call to open our home to children who have been hurt by this sinful broken world.  There are so many lessons that are priceless.  I will always love this child that is still learning how to receive true love.  Any child that has been in my care will always be one of my children.  This young life will remain in my prayers.  My hope is that one day I will be reunited with this young one in heaven.  I pray he will choose goodness, love,  and healing that only comes from Jesus.

Here are the words to the song “Abide With Me”.

I have a home, eternal home

but for now I walk this broken world

you walked it first, you know our pain

But you show hope can rise again up from the grave

Abide with me, abide with me

don’t let me fall, and don’t let go

walk with me and never leave

ever close, God abide with me

There in the night, Gethsemane

before the cross, before the nails

overwhelmed, alone you prayed

you met us in our suffering and bore our shame

Abide with me, abide with me

don’t let me fall, and don’t let go

walk with me, and never leave

ever close God abide with me

Love that will not ever let me go

Love that will not ever let me go

You never let me go

Love that will not ever let me go

You never let us go

And up ahead , eternity

we’ll weep no more, and sing for joy, abide with me

 

Chaotic Souls

It has been a while since I have written about our journey as foster parents.  It remains a journey with extreme ups and extreme downs.  There is a challenge and spiritual battle nearly everyday. There are also amazing teachable moments and victories nearly every day.

Today was an unplanned foster son room major clean up.  These have been required anywhere from every 2 weeks to monthly.  In preparation for Christmas today was my last chance to get the house in order before all the holiday festivities.  We now have a house rule that bedrooms and personal belongings around the house need to be picked up before computer time can be granted.  During school  homework and violin practice needs to be completed as well. So our foster son went into his room to clean to earn computer time.  At one point a bed was moved out and our son was sweeping all the toys and clutter out from behind it.  This initiated exuberant praise from me.  “Yes that is how to truly clean!!  Great job!!!”   Moments later when our child said he was done the time spent did not match the task at hand.  As I went in to inspect I noticed that trash that I had noticed on the floor as the child was sweeping was not in the trash can.  The wrappers I witnessed were nowhere in plain sight.

Then it happened. I discovered that a room that appeared and had been appearing pretty clean on the surface was not truly clean at all.   I began moving furniture and emptying drawers.  There was hoarded food, dirty laundry (I had wondered where all his socks went), pieces to games, trash, legos, chewed up wads of gum,  you name it.  In a mind that thinks like mine it requires far more effort to shove stuff behind and under furniture than to just put it where it goes.   There was some role playing to help the child see why mom’s mood went from happy to grouchy, having the child to look me in the eyes as we talked to truly connect,  there was teaching yet again on where things go, everything has a place, etc…  With each discovery of stashed messes our child became more and more angry with me.

Finally after moving the night stand and finding another huge chaotic mess words came from me that I had not had time to think of on my own.  Pointing to the mess I said that is what we look like on the inside before we ask Jesus to come in to clean us up.  We hide our sins, stash our pain, our trash, all our junk into the deep corners of our soul so no one else can see it.  God sees it though and that is why he gave us Jesus.  Jesus is the only one who can find our clutter of junk and clean it out.  Your room is not truly clean until all the junk stashes are sorted out.  Our hearts are not truly clean until we ask Jesus to clean us.  We can’t truly feel joy until our stash of trash in our hearts are cleaned out. There was a lot of tough love and firmness going on  as I have had to learn to be much harder than ever before.

With tears of frustration being shed by our child during this process we did finally reach smiles and happiness upon job completion.  Mom was also told “I’m sorry I had a nasty attitude.” and forgiveness was granted by momma.   For a child that is from hard places there is much more meaning behind the chaos of a messy room.  The control of things because that is all that a traumatized child could have any control of.  The hoarding of food because it has not always been readily available or possibly used as a punishment.  So much happens in lives of children from a hard place that we just never even really know about.  Often the child can’t even remember the trauma let alone make the connection of past experiences effecting behavior choices.  On so many levels we have had to start from the very beginning with teaching, socialization, and emotional development.

We just keep repeating and repeating teaching, loving, and tough loving.

I too had to have my heart cleaned by Jesus.  I have to cry out everyday for Him to purge the messes in the corners of my heart.   Sometimes it hurts I cry and get a little angry.  Once the junk is purged my eyes are opened to my nasty attitude and I can ask my Lord Jesus to please forgive me.  Once the chaos of my soul is clean I experience true joy and contentment.  Thank you Lord for showing me tough love and grace.

 

I Love You Because you Exist

There are daily life lessons to learn as a foster family.  So many I really can’t share.  Many things I have known, but God is driving a deeper and deeper understanding within me.

What a messy world we live in.  It seems that so many people desire to completely change who they are and are never satisfied within their own skin.  There is a desire and push within this world to completely change the things about ourselves that are clearly defined when we are born.  It is hard enough to figure out things like what school to go to and what career to choose let alone the things about us that are actually very cut and dry.

God continues to reveal to me the deep problem of humanity and what His cure for the problem is.  The greatest need of every human being is to know that there is at least one person that loves them merely because they exist.  A love that has no condition, a love that has no selfish goals, a love that is there even when we are underserving of it.  From the day we are born we are in need of this kind of love.  You cry I will be there, you cause me to be unable to meet my own needs at times…I will be there, you lash out at me…I will be there…   I will still look at you and smile, my eyes will light up when you enter the room.   We all need this kind of love and fewer and fewer are receiving it…even as a small helpless child many never receive this kind of love.

Love like this opens our heart to realizing that we exist because God cared enough to create us and plan our lives.    It opens our hearts to realize that God gave us free will because He wants us to love Him in return because we choose too.  Love like this opens our hearts to understanding that God sent Jesus because He loves us despite our wickedness, flaws, and our unworthiness.   God loves us just as we are because He is.

No matter the struggles and challenges the answer to the deep dark pains of this world is LOVE.   God is helping me love and understand on deeper levels daily…sometimes minute to minute.  To look at every human being with eyes of love merely because of their existence.  Because they are a creation of God.

Ugh When I Feel the Mother Hen in Me Trying to Unleash

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Every so often and sometimes far too often I am reminded of the battles my oldest child and I have trudged through together.  From the very beginning even her time coming into this world has been a battle to overcome.  I seriously could write a battle book for her from the day I found out I was pregnant with her until now nearly sixteen years later.   There will be many more chapters to add to the book that will grow in greater intensity.  Somehow these far too frequent and early battles will have prepared her for what God has planned for her.  Since the day I knew I was carrying her I have felt this overpowering desire to protect her from a world that loves to tear down who it views as weak.

Her shyness and quiet spirit is all I can account to the reason why others have singled her out and  left her out from day one.  Usually it has been people who should be in her corner backing her that I have watched leave her out and mock her.  Most of the time it has been the  most appropriate for me to sit back and immediately treat her wounds with encouragement, positivity, and instruction how to learn from the world’s harsh reality, rather than confronting the source directly.  Oh there have been times I have had to pray, choose my words wisely, make phone calls, send emails, do research, present her case, and stand up for her as well.  There have been medical battles, school battles, sports battles, child bully battles, etc…

Yesterday I was reminded as she was in goal for an intense game of soccer that I still have that mother hen.  As she was making an appropriate choice to keep her post in goal and let her defenders do their job I hear a scream “COME ON KEEP” from behind me.  It was a tone that if I were a child and yelled at in that manner I would have been crushed and cried.  The tone was like fingernails down a chalk board to me.  The tone said “you are terrible and not doing your job” to me as the mother.    No goal was scored and my daughter had chosen wisely.

With  Easter having just been this last weekend my thoughts went to Mary the mother of Jesus.  In all her humanness I can’t imagine what her own “mother hen” felt like watching her son being mocked, tormented, falsely accused, cursed, beaten, and murdered on the cross.    I can’t imagine being in a crowd that is screaming “CRUCIFY”  and having your one small little voice saying, but he has done nothing wrong…he has done nothing to deserve this…he has never done anything wrong…   With those three words I mentioned above screamed harshly at my own child every nerve in my body stood on end.  I can only imagine with each strike, whip, and each hammer of the nails how Mary’s nerves would have been completely frayed.  She was there at his miraculous conception, his birth, and witnessed so many instances in the life of Jesus that clued her in to the fact that He indeed was the Son of God placed in her womb and entrusted care.  Her Son has the ultimate battle book and fulfilled God’s ultimate plan to fight life’s ultimate battle death.  He alone conquered death for all of mankind.  Mary in her humanness as she watched her boy hang from that cross being cursed at and mocked still did not understand the extent of God’s plan, but kept a mental record of it all.   “She pondered it all in her heart.”

There is nothing we can face or give in this life that is greater than what Jesus did for us.

As a mother I know God loves my children even more than I do and that every challenge faced is to teach them and prepare them for the next.  As a parent God continues to increase my wisdom on how to build up, encourage, and go to bat for my children out of love.  Even with our next journey in life with fostering I feel this mother hen in me desiring  to protect children who are weak and have no one to battle for them.  Sometimes it will be taking a stand for them and sometimes it will be providing the encouragement, love, and instruction to help wounds heal…   I really don’t like the feeling of my mother hen rattling the cage, but God has put this drive and fight within me for a reason…

 

I Can’t Clean up my Own Mess

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As suggested by my Aunt blogging about this project will be much more constructive than this failed project.

Back in January when we picked vacation weeks I saw that the week of Mike’s and my anniversary was open for the taking.  Thinking maybe we could actually take a trip or something I put this week down.  As life and circumstances happen we are going to end up being lucky if we even get to go out for a meal just the two of us.  Wanting to make good use of time, I assigned myself some projects to complete this week.   One being to repaint yet again the old picnic table Mike’s dad gave us many years ago.  After scraping for what seemed like an eternity I moved to a power sander, scraping more, power sanding more.  The paint peel seemed to just keep growing worse.   I then tried power washing which wasn’t much help then we ran out of gas for the power washer.  Today I tried actually stripping the paint.  That has made yet a greater mess.  As the mess kept growing I began evaluating what is truly a valuable use of my time.  The hours of fruitless effort were already mocking me in the fact that I can not have that time back.   There is a strong willed competitive nature that I have as well as a very sentimental nature that was driving me to want to complete this project no matter the cost.

As of now I have had to walk away with my tail between my legs waving the white flag.  My mind is already planning other uses for the paint that I bought.

One thing this FAIL project is reminding of is how we can’t clean up our own mess.   Our life is a mess of sin.  We inherited the sinful nature the day we took our first breath.  All of us.  We are all a complete mess.  Oh there are all kinds of man made “cover ups”  “fix yourself” “religions” all types of methods, but nothing lasts or truly cuts to the heart of the problem.  The only one that can truly wipe away our every flaw is Jesus.  No amount of money, self help programs, or “good” deeds will clean us spotless.  Only the blood of Jesus.  God’s only Son who took the penalty for all of our mess upon that cross can forgive us and wash us clean.

What I need is a planer (pronounced like plainer) board to cut away all the old paint, stained, and spotted wood.  After we accept Jesus we are forgiven and as we follow him He is our planer board cutting away all the old messy spotted stuff.  He makes us clean and new.  Whew he still has a long way to go on me.  The good thing is that God doesn’t walk away from His creation like I have walked away from my project.  It doesn’t matter how messy we are He will wipe us clean and make us new!!  Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God.”

1 John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

When Christians Treat Your Dad Bad

So those who follow this blog know that my father who was a pastor passed away a year and a half ago.  He was ordained as a pastor when I was three years old and he started right into full time pastoring by the time I was four.  He was a full time pastor for 37 years and still pastoring before he passed.  He ministered to a total of 4 small churches during this time.  For some unknown reason  I had about 2-3 weeks that I have missed him more than I have since he passed recently.  During this time I attended a conference our church had and purchased books from our speaker.  One of his books was “The Coffee Shop that Changed a Church” by Steve Parr.  As I began reading this book the tears started flowing as the story developed and the characters of the narrative evolved.  One of my first thoughts was “my dad could have written this book”  there were so many similar experiences that he and our family had through the years.  Another thought was “I have a deeper understanding of a pastor’s life and heart than I even realized”.  The book left me with an even greater determination to pray for my pastors as well as all TRUE Bible preaching, Jesus following men of God throughout the world.

One sentence tucked away in the middle of this book caught my attention.  I should have had my pen in hand to mark it, but it was a narrative and I am always anxious to see what happens next.  There is no time for pens and no time for sleep when I am reading a good book!!!   In other words this may not be a direct quote because I can not find the tiny hidden sentence.   It referred to the fact that many children of pastors are turned off of the faith because they see Christians treat their dad bad.  This smacked me in the face and had me praying prayers of gratitude that God did not give up on me.   I went through a stage where I was sick of trying to be perfect and please everyone else.  It wasn’t really direct rebellion toward God or my parents.  It was more of the fact that people would actually try to get rid of my dad because of choices his children made or could make.  As a kid my dad and mom tried to keep the drama from me, but I still caught bits and pieces and would even hear comments made directly to my dad.  I would see the strain and stress in his eyes.  I would see him work 60 hours plus a week, come home from vacation to be with people in need, get called out in the middle of the night.  I saw him give and give and I would hear  people say things like “we pay your salary”, “we pay for your house”, “we pay your power bill”.   As I child I could see my father working very very hard for his sparse salary.   I always thought “Isn’t what we give actually God’s to begin with?”  I saw my father and mother give at least ten percent plus right back.

As I look back on my life I have many regrets, but those regrets led to much needed consequences to guide me back into God’s will.  My choices gave me a deeper understanding of sin and a deeper gratitude for the grace Jesus gave to me from that cross.  Being a preacher’s kid gave me the perspective that the church is full of sinners needing God’s grace as well as the whole world.  The temptations of pride and attacks from Satan are very real and a marvelous tool Satan uses to get people focused on how Christians act instead of focusing on Jesus.  I wonder how many millions have been turned off of the faith because of priests, pastors, and parishioners sin?   We compare ourselves to the hypocrisy of others to find excuse to not believe or behave how we “think” we want.  The greatest lesson in life I have learned through growing up as a preacher’s kid is that no one is perfect other than Jesus.  No one is “Holier than thou”.  It is about a personal relationship with Jesus.  The deeper my relationship the more I hunger to read God’s word more, pray more, to worship corporately in church, and hear the Word of God preached.  It is enjoyable to just be a regular church member as an adult, but I still see Satan attack.  There are times my own pride will tempt me and steal what God is trying to do in my own life.  There are times I feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak up firmly, but with love when I see pride tempting church members to focus on “self” instead of Christ.

It is all about Jesus.  I am a sinner saved by Grace who happened to be raised by a preacher.  My dad couldn’t save me, my church couldn’t save my soul, only the blood of Jesus saved my soul!!  If all Christians and churches focused on what we should, Jesus, think of how this world would change.

2 Corinthians 5:21″God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

Riots, the Duggars, Jenner, Dolezal, Mass Murders… Sigh

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Even with avoiding the news as much as I can the majority of what media has highly publicized still reaches me eyes.   My heart gets so sad for this hurting world we live in.  At times I feel anger stirring in me over lies and unfairness.  Anymore I consider news media “Sin on Parade” as I watch personal agendas flooding the airways across our country and the world.   Some sin is being applauded and some condemned.  The world has decided it is the judge of what is wrong or right which has led us into deeper confusion and turmoil.  This blog has been prayerfully on my mind for sometime as each week there is a new story defining our culture and the times we live in.

What I continue to see are people hurting and desperate.    I see people pushing their opinions with selfish gain as their motivation.  What I see are a lot of excuses being made for behaviors masked with fancy words and terms.   I see a world trying to find healing in medications legal and illegal to provide a band aid for much deeper wounds.  If a person claims to follow Jesus I see a world searching for any sin in their life to provide the excuse of “see they are no different”.  As I see our government turn their backs on God the leaders of our country have taken on the image of a three ring circus ran by immature two year olds.  These days it seems like no one is really interested in actually getting to the root of our problems.

Within my own life I have found that the only way to fix anything is to find the root, the source of the problem.  When I weed my garden if I just pull the leaves of a weed it just comes back bigger and stronger.  It must be pulled out by the root to stop the growth of a pesky weed.   It seems the more “educated and scientific” we are the more we just pull at the leaves of problems instead of stopping them at their source.

What is the true source of all of the worlds problems?   The answer can truly be summed up in one little three letter word.  It is a word that no one wants to hear or use these days.   Our pride and arrogance cringes at the sound of this word.  It is SIN.  We are all born with the nature to sin.  Our sin starts as a thought we then have the choice to feed that thought and allow it to develop into action or to stop the thought at its beginning.   These people who would gun down, bomb, or poison the innocent started with a thought.  They build up excuses and reasons in their mind to justify actions they want to take and then act.  They have become deceived.  You can see the empty darkness in the eyes of these killers as their mug shots flash onto media screens.

Have you ever listened to a person who is having an affair talk?  Just sit and listen to excuse after excuse.  Justification after justification.  It starts with a sinful thought and then action.  There is a reason for their choice.  It is sin.

Hang around with preschool children for a day and you will see that sin starts immediately in our lives.  We come into this world selfish and greedy.  There is evidence proving this point as one of the favorite and first words of a toddler is “mine”.

Our sinful nature is so powerful and pulls us to go the exact opposite direction God has planned and desires for us.  The message of God’s word is consistent in the fact that we are to love God and others, serve others, be kind, gentle, forgiving, and thankful.  The life of Jesus shows us the perfect example of a life lived out with these qualities.   Our human sin drives us to be selfish, self serving, blaming, judging, prideful, arrogant, and pleasure seeking.  In reality what kind of person do we want to be around?  What we all desire to have in our life is someone that has the very attributes of God, but we shut out God and His word that provides instruction of how to have a life of joy, peace, hope, and a life that is everlasting.  We shut out the source of peace and expect to have peace.   The difference between someone who is a true follower of Jesus Christ and someone who is not is only the fact that a believer realizes how sinful they are, has been forgiven by the only one who can forgive sins, Jesus, and chooses to follow Jesus.  Desiring to sin less and less in their life through the only power and strength that can help us with this weakness, Jesus.

To sum up the turmoil and confusion we see in the news media everyday is that “we are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23  We can not cure ourselves.  We can try to change physically.  We can try medications to mask our deep emotional wounds.  We can try to fill our void with material goods and addictions.  We are lost confused people separated from our creator by our sinful nature.  The good news is that Jesus is the answer to every single problem that is in the world today.  The problem is sin and the answer is Jesus.  “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”   Come to know Jesus today.  Experience real love and allow Jesus’ love to live through your life in a desperate and hurting world.  He is our hope and our future!!!

Home Improvements are all Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye

An eyeball was not literally lost during our task to provide a fun teenage hangout place in our home thank the Lord!  Well at least no lost eyeballs yet.   A blood vessel in my eye burst upon hearing some bad news that made me have to do some serious tongue holding.  All companies and vendors that we have patronized during this endeavor have been great minus one.  The very first thing I arranged and put money down for, an egress window, is a major hold up in our project.  Because this space is in the basement and with wanting to have an additional bedroom we decided this would be the best thing to do to provide a fire escape for any occupants.  The basement room would make space available upstairs for the extra sleeping accommodations.  This would open up opportunities to have foreign exchange students, guests, possibly foster a child, etc…

The company doing this for us has been in business a long time and I had not heard anything bad about them.  Their specialty is waterproofing basements so I figured who better to make sure a new hole in the basement wall is sealed tight.  Unfortunately this company has disappointed several times, has always told different stories each time I have had an interaction with its employees, and has had delay after delay.  Before the eyeball blow up they had already knocked my confidence level in them to a very low.  Finally it looked like the installation of the window was actually going to happen.  The guys showed up and everything!  Unfortunately I was at work and my poor mother had to come and hold down the fort for us.  The first install date I had been able to take at least one of the days off work to be home, but with the reschedule was unable to make such arrangements.  That day I go to my lunch break and check my text messages.  This is the message I see from my mother.  “Bad news.  The company that made the window made it the wrong way.  The tall part was made horizontally instead of vertically.  They are going to cover the hole.  They are trying to see how soon they can get the right window.”   It was the “cover the hole” that caused my stress level and blood pressure spike.  The vision I had in my mind was a 5 foot 4 inch by 4 foot hole in the concrete wall of our basement in the middle of January left open to the elements indefinitely.  As well as when it rains there would be a mudslide right into our house from the hole dug in the outside landscape.  I clinched my fists, took a deep breath, and then pursed my lips.   I am quite sure this is what cause the blood vessel explosion.  Being in the lounge having lunch with my coworkers I got up and walked over to the lockers to call my mom with my back to my coworkers.  I ended up speaking with the window installer and found out that they had only dug the hole outside and there were no cuts in the concrete.   I will spare you of the details of the rest of the story as we continue to wait for this service to be completed. When I finished the conversation with the man and my mom I turned to face my coworkers.  They exclaimed “Oh my gosh what is wrong with your eye?!?!”   Half of my right eye was now bright red from a blood vessel burst from holding in my anger.  It took all that was in me to prevent regretful angry words in loud decibels from being spewed from my lips!!

There are many verses about holding and taming the tongue and how to prevent sin when one experiences the emotion of anger.   These are the actual verses that keep coming to mind though.

Matthew 5:29-30 ” If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.  It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.  And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.  It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

In this case my right eyeball took one for the team for my tongue.  If I end up wearing an eyeball patch in the end you all will know the company doing this window failed yet again to come through.   Either I am too nice or it is because I serve  God who is the  God of 2nd chances and forgiveness.  Matthew 18:21-22″Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me?  Up to seven times?’  Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”