There are days as a wife, mother, foster mother, and nurse I really just want to quit. Everywhere I am there are demands. Everywhere I am everyone else’s needs must come first. I heard myself saying the other day that I am just content if I get some decent sleep and actually get to eat a meal.
God keeps impressing on my heart to just be real. To share my failures, my hurts, my pain, and His victories within me with the rest of the world. Or at least whoever it is he leads to read. I keep finding myself at deeper all time lows. Sunday night I was at the point that all I felt I had left to give on this earth was my very breath. I seriously was at the point not of self harm, but at the point of Lord I really just want to come home with you. Can you take me now?
Our family continues to get attacked by Satan himself. We have never had this much bombardment since moving forward with our foster care license last year. It has only doubled since we said yes to our first placement after being licensed. Each and every family member has been hit by these attacks. The devil himself does not want our family to succeed. The devil wants nothing more than to destroy this young one whose life was literally snatched out of his grasp. The devil wants nothing more than for our family to split and be destroyed. He wants our lives to only make an impact on others of destruction not hope.
This morning on the radio one of my favorite Christian artists and his wife were actually live in the studio. Chris Tomlin sang one of his newer songs “Jesus” live on air. The tears just started streaming as I focused on my Savior Jesus and what He did for me, for my family, and for the whole world. No matter how much I give up and give in. No matter how much I forgive. No matter how much life seems unfair. Nothing can compare or even come close to what Jesus gave. I can not out give Him. So I need to stop and just keep looking to Him. When I feel like EVERYTHING is on me and my shoulders. When I feel so taken advantage of. I need to stop and look to Jesus because no one carried a greater weight. No one has ever been and continues to be so taken advantage of. Jesus, my Jesus, my Lord, my weight carrier. Jesus you love me like no other. Jesus you put up with so much from me. Jesus I take you so for granted and slip into the “only looking to you when I really need you” pattern. The truth is I need you every moment and with every breath I breathe!!! Jesus is my sustainer! Jesus is my victory!! There is no one like you Jesus!!