Planning has sort of been my thing. Personally I like to have plan A, plan B, and plan C. It’s possible I will even go to Z. Plans continuously running through my brain how I think things will go, but if something crazy happens we will go with this or that plan. All the planning so that I can rely on me, myself and I. I am the master planner!! Waa haa haa (my power hungry sinister laugh). It is quite hilarious that God led me to be a nurse where a good day can turn in a split second to complete chaos. Even more hilarious is that He blessed my life to become a mother where one barfing kid can completely blowout the neatly planned day. Yet to further the hilarity he has led our family to foster parenting. It is one thing to mess with my work shift, another to have to change plans due to a sick child, this life in foster care has become a whole other ballgame of inability to plan.
God does humble us where needed. Honestly I have been broken to complete submission of the plans and expectations in this brain of mine. From one day to the next there are constant surprises. Continuous changes in parent visits, sibling visits, therapist scheduling and canceling, behaviors that change with no clue as to what triggered them. Will this child or that child live with us until adulthood? Will this parent turn their life around and heal or will they continue the vicious cycle? The constant change, chaos, turmoil, blessings, falling in love, heart brokenness, victories, defeats, dealing with choices of others… it all has brought me to expect nothing. I don’t know what will happen next. I just don’t know… Ok God you have me I surrender… Make my thoughts your thoughts… my plans your plans… my heart your heart… You see the bigger picture and I do not. You know what is best and I do not.
My job is to love. My job is not to predict the future. My job is not to judge. My job is not to be the fixer, but to point to the true healer. I can not even love within my own strength it is only the love of Jesus loving through me. I am just not capable of this kind of love on my own. My words must be led by the Holy Spirit or I mess them up out of my own frustrations. I can not deal with my own grief and loss without Jesus. I am a sinner in need of forgiveness each and everyday… I am no better than anyone…
One thing that I know, this life of welcoming the broken into our home has brought me to a place of surrender that I didn’t even know was needed. Who knew that being a little OCD, planner, lover of organization, lover of predictability, a bit on the “I will take care of this myself” side was such a barrier between God and I. Really I just thought I was responsible. No, my addiction to organization and planning actually was and is a form of sin in my life. This life has brought me to a deeper level of trusting God in each moment and love everyone while I have the chance and the time. There are no guarantees of tomorrow. A blessing and gift from God that has come from opening our home has been a deeper level of understanding what it means to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind… and loving my neighbor as myself… Still have a long long way to go. The journey is rough, but I am so thankful for the hard stuff!